Anger as Energy

My son is difficult. Not a little difficult but majorly. Yesterday we had a blow out fight where I was clearly right and he had, by default, crossed a major line. I found myself raising up, almost standing on my tippy toes to be larger, and screaming my head off.

Yup. Proud Momma moment #569.

Today, as I look back over my personal choice to show up as I did, I feel guilt. And shame. And a whole lot of self righteousness. I am, by nature, a very passionate person. I feel things, deep in my bones. The good, the bad and the ugly. I have to work hard, especially with my son, to approach situations calmly. You see, my son has Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD) and that makes our daily lives very frustrating. The number of opportunities I have in the average day to lose my shit are many, and because of that, I need to work very hard not to allow each moment to define my mood. So when one does – like last nights – I know one of my values has been crossed.

Anger is a funny thing that way. We’ve all been raised to believe that anger is an unacceptable emotion. We are taught not to express anger at home, school and at work. We have been taught to always be calm – or the world will judge. Funny, though, because we all lose our shit sometimes and that doesn’t make US a bad person. Right?

But do we really understand this emotion called anger? Do we see if clearly or only by the constraints that society has placed upon it?

We know that our human bodies are a collection of different types of energy - physical, emotional, spiritual, mental, environmental and social. All these types exist together as we ebb and flow throughout our days. Some energy is anabolic and is light, constructive and feels good, motivating while other energy is catabolic. That draining, destructive and emptying energy that makes regular life moments super challenging. It won’t be any surprise to learn that anger finds itself in the catabolic family of energy. But let’s be clear – there is no good or bad energy. All forms of energy carry advantages and disadvantages that aid us as we go through life.

Think of a time when you felt anger – really, bubbling anger. How did expressing that anger influence what happened afterwards? What did you learn about yourself (or the situation?) when you felt that level of intense anger?

Anger lives in our level 2 energy – the level of defiance and conflict. This is where judgement, struggle and black and white thinking happen. Think back to that angry moment that you had – did your thinking go to straight to “I’m right and the other person is wrong”? Yup, me too. Every single time. It’s at this stage where things like anger, resentment irritability, displeasure, hostility, and exasperation live. Its only natural, with this collection of emotion, that we would immediately respond with resistance, disobedience, contempt, and rebellion!!

But here’s the amazing part of this anger stage that many of us don’t realize this is also the G.S.D. stage.

G.S.D. = Get Shit Done

This is where we (finally) decide that the status quo is no longer working for us. This is where we decide to make a change – even if it is the most subtle of changes. This is where we begin thinking and being aware that there is a different way – a better way – of living. This burst of energy is thanks to our friends Adrenaline and Cortisol – hormones that are naturally produced in our bodies to break down cells and tissues and provides energy to get through the stress. Now this burst is not sustainable – we cannot nor do we want to stay at this level all the time. It is draining and could easily negatively impact our relationships, BUT to use this burst of energy to create the change we want in life is fantastic.

Yet anger is often viewed as a negative emotion for all of us but especially if you are female. A woman should never show such aggressive emotion, such uncontrol. We are the models of calm and peace and happiness. And this belief is what plagues many of us throughout our daily lives: holding onto a view that does not help us in our daily pursuit of purposeful happiness. And yet here’s something that we forget: emotions – all of them – are for feeling. We cannot turn off the side that has uncomfortable, unattractive emotions (like anger) and only feel the happy ones. Life doesn’t work that way. Human beings do not work that way. YOU do not work that way. Stop judging yourself against standards that are impossible to reach – for all of us. Feel those emotions. Be proud of those emotions. Use those emotions to create the better life that you want – no matter how great your life already is. Anger is a vehicle to take you there.

Today is a new day and with it came the realization that there is still much teaching I need to do with my son from our moment last night. So, tonight, when he comes home, we will sit (calmly) and talk about the values he crossed and how important they are to me. He can have his own set of values - that differ from mine – but while living in my home, the expectation is that he will work at honoring those that are mine. Change is a collection of many conversations. Make them count.

Have questions about anger; how you show up under great stress or feel like you could use some additional support to help you shift how you're showing up in life? Let’s have a 20-minute discovery call to see if coaching is a good fit for you. After all, you deserve to be living your best life now. Email sheila@sheilaweir.com to start.